Let’s be real here: I am a fixer.
If I see someone with a problem, I immediately want to fix it and make them better. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, I would go for the “bad boy” in hopes of turning them into the “good guy” — yes, I love a good project. I’ve taken on my friends’ problems and been a source of therapy to help them work through their issues and be better. Pretty much, I am your reliable, good-intentioned friend or girlfriend that just wants to help.
But the reality is that not everyone wants to be fixed. And half of those that say they want or need help, don’t really want to be fixed either. After all, who wants to admit they’re not perfect?
I’ve talked about going through a really rough time not too long ago on the site before, but let me go into a little more detail. It relates to the point of this post, I promise.
I was in a really bad place for about a year and I didn’t even know it. I thought my constant mood swings, the feelings of being up and down, always wanting to just stay home and lay low were normal and part of me trying to figure my life out. For two years I would have these breakdowns where I would just hysterically cry if someone said the wrong thing to me. Before this, my friends and I would joke that I don’t produce tears unless I watch a movie or TV show that’s sad. I’m not a big crier. But I was a mess. And I swear to you, I found every reason in the book to justify this behavior: I’m stressed, I have a lot going on, I don’t know where my life is going right now, I had too many deaths in the family, something’s missing in my life..etc. Yes, I had a lot of deaths in my family and was a confused recent graduate and had every right to feel up and down. But no, nothing was missing except for my ability to think straight. I knew deep down I really did have a great life minus the back-to-back trauma I went through.
I lost myself for a year. Maybe more honestly. People around me tried to help me, they tried to fix me the same way I helped them, but nothing worked. In fact, I would just get frustrated and push people away. Boy, am I thankful that some people stood by me, didn’t abandon me, and loved me enough to get me through it.
It wasn’t until one night that I just hit rock bottom. I have never in my life felt like this. I cried for a full on week. I couldn’t live like this anymore. I couldn’t sit here and feel like nobody understands, no one gets it, no one cares, blah blah blah. I couldn’t bring myself to live another day in this hell inside my head. That’s truly what it felt like: hell. I needed to get to this point to realize that I need to be fixed. I want to be fixed. I have to be fixed. Or else I’m just going to live in misery for the rest of my fucking life and who wants to be around that. I wasn’t acting like myself, I wasn’t having fun or going out, I was utterly and completely miserable.
Going through this experience taught me that as much as the people around you want to help you, it doesn’t mean anything unless you want to help yourself — unless you snap out of it and realize you want to change. [highlight]You can’t change people. [/highlight]And the most amazing advice can come your way but it won’t even matter unless you’re ready to not only listen, but do. Trust me, I was given the best advice I could have ever asked for but did I listen? Hell no. Why? I wasn’t ready to make a change.
So there you have it, people. You can’t fix someone if they truly don’t want to fix themselves. And at the end of the day, it’s not your job to fix anyone. You can only be there to love and support, the actual work is up to them.
xo [typography font=”Cantarell” size=”14″ size_format=”px” color=”#ff6666″]NM[/typography]